I love all things “new.” New day, new week, new month, new season, new year. For me, its a time to reset, renew, restart, repent, redo. The Word of God says, his mercies are NEW each morning. How comforting is it for those who believe, to know that God’s mercy is new each morning, and that his love endures forever. Perhaps, its why I love beginnings.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22-23).
Last night, I could not sleep– tossed and turned all night. Again, my heart was heavy.
Perhaps, its because I could not get my mind off of Dalonnie, his mother, Joi, and his children. The devil robbed my grand-daughter of knowing her father.
Perhaps, ringing in the New Year once again by myself was a reminder, that I am by myself again.
Perhaps, its the hurt I feel about my the Christmas Eve text a loved one sent that hurt to the core.
Perhaps, I’m still unpacking the pain that I held on to for over 30 years.
Perhaps, its the worry I carry for my youngest son.
Perhaps, its perhaps.
In December 2019, I sold my beautiful house that was built from the ground up and moved to a similar house right around the corner. It may sound foolish to get attached to materialistic items in the grand scheme of life, but it resembled a lot for me. There was a time in my life when I didn’t even think I would become a home owner. God, has brought me so far along. I remember staying in a DV shelter, sleeping on the couches of my friend’s house when I was a teenager– folks rolling over on me– that part. (It appears to be a pattern. Another story, another time.) I did do some things right. I was receiving counseling throughout.
In 2020. I was immersed into COVID work and did not have time to grieve my marriage ending. I was too busy with working endlessly during the pandemic, and trying not to disturb my son’s environment more than I already did. He’s always had behavior issues since he was a preschooler. (That’s another story). My genius was not thriving in a typical school environment. I was also parenting from a place of trauma with a lot of fear I carried from an earlier experience with one of my other son’s. I’ve come so far! I recall listening to Christian music/Gospel was too painful for me. That’s how far I’ve come. Those who know me, know I love my Gospel. In the summer of 2020, I struggled with suicidal idealization thoughts and was overwhelmed with feelings. I did not want to be here anymore. The anguish was indescribable, so much so that I yearned for my mother. All those years, I disassociated myself and my anger was suppressed.
In 2021. I moved again. I also traveled back and forth from California to Florida. When I moved, I felt like my outlook was changing for the better. During this time, I had to get rid of even more stuff that I collected over the years.
In 2022, I became more intentional about pursuing my healing. This was in effort to not let the pain consume me.
In 2023, I am struggling with a personal physical disability that causes chronic intense pain.
Embracing Enough 