While I was going on my walks in Florida, I perceived, not feeling my normal self. Everything was beautiful around me, but I felt a little empty. And I kept trying to shake it off. This past month I noticed I was aching for companionship and a desire to connect with my ex-husband. I was trying to figure out the reasons why, and also trying to make sense of my feelings by identifying my emotions. I pondered: Is it the change in season? Is it the holidays approaching? Is there something about the weather that is causing me to feel this way? Then I began to ask myself, is there something particular or an event in the past that occurred in October to stir up any memories. I even went as far as examining, is there something happening right now that could be triggering this need.
I did not dare share with anyone how I was feeling for several reasons. 1) I did not want anyone to get the wrong message or impression. 2) I did not want those who care and love me, to worry. 3) In general, people lack understanding. 4) Just because I am processing my feelings, does not mean I would change anything in my life right now. Yet, here I am I sharing with you. Smile.
Divorce grief is real, painful, and sneaks up on you at unexpected times.
Being conscience and aware about my feelings is healthy and keeps me moving forward, and not stuck in the past. He was apart of my life for 28 years, more years than in my childhood. There are parts about him that I miss. I enjoy dining out at trendy local restaurants on Saturday mornings, before everyone wakes up. Admittedly, I miss hearing his loud, contagious, and corny laugh – sometimes. I always called it his “fake laugh.” I miss shooting the breeze and sharing my work day with him. I also miss making him laugh. People closest to me, know that I am actually a jokester. I always made him laugh, not the “fake laugh.” I think I miss the camaraderie we had, absent of the arguments about our relationship, faith, or the kids. We had good times too. I carry no shame for feeling this way.
“Autumn whispered to the wind, I fall but always rise again.” – Angie Wieland-Crosby
Autumn is my favorite time of the year. I miss cooking and baking for my family. I miss the annual family trips and fall traditions. Decorating my apartment is not the same when there is no one to share it with. Nevertheless, I decided that I will pull out the fall decorations and embrace the season. Literally, as I write this post, my aha moment just came to me. I am thankful to God for what he just revealed to me.
“And lastly, remember that it is okay to cry.” — Richard Kauffman
Oh boy, “goooooo eaaaaaasy – on me.” The song, Easy on Me by Adele came on while I was doing my cardio on the elliptical machine this morning. I was listening to the Apple music Pop playlist for “working out,” and this song came on. Awww shux!! You already know what happened. I was an absolute mess in Planet Fitness. So much so – that I had to put my mask and hoodie back on. Guys, I call that real therapy. I am still unsure how this song made it on a “workout playlist.” Seriously though, I think Adele wrote that song for the both of us. I am apologizing in advance to my poor neighbors who will probably hear this song on repeat for the next week.
Identity can be linked to Partnerships
My brain is still reorganizing what my new life is beginning to look like, and it may take a couple more years to fully process. My grief is not isolated to an individual, but to other aspects of my life over the last 28 years. I just wanted to be a good wife, good mother, a good Christian, and have a happy normal family life.
Friends, I leave you with God’s word, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26 Amen!
In His Grip,
Chana
Embracing Enough 