I wrote this in December 2019, and didn’t publish until June 6, 2020. Still stands true today.
Again, I say rejoice! Rejoicing during suffering is sooooo difficult. For me, rejoicing in the midst of suffering, means God will get me through all this messiness, heartache, anguish, deep sadness, and fear because I put my trust in HIM.
I can describe this emotion and experience as a constant gnawing and achy emptiness in the pit of my stomach with loneliness, fear, a deep sadness, and lack of clarity.
Everyday, I manage to adult, post my pics/snaps on IG, try to maintain a positive outlook, an attitude of gratitude, even though inside I feel like crumbling. I keep telling myself, I just need to get through today, this week, this month, this year and then…
I imagine myself, falling down and sobbing uncontrollably by myself at the feet of Jesus.
I’ve struggled with what LOVE really means in this world. I know what it means biblically and through Christ from my Savior. I understand the concept and vision for Love, through Christ’s example.
What does it mean for me?
What does it mean for me in marriage? What does it mean for me in relation to others? I am learning, LOVE is a simple word, lacking true intent of its definition. Its tossed around in pleasantries, vocalized, written, repeated, but there is no weight behind it.
Love is ACTION. Love does not HURT. Love is not SELFISH. Love doesn’t seek its OWN. Love doesn’t ABANDON when needed the most. Love FEELS. Love EMPATHIZES. Love has NO expectations. Love gives FREELY. Love TRUSTS. Love is NOT easily angered. Love is PATIENT and KIND. Love FORGIVES. Love keeps NO record of wrongs.
The person I thought I could trust, failed me. The person I thought I could lean on, failed me. The person who should’ve protected me, failed me. The person who said, they loved me, failed me. The person who should’ve adored and cherished me, failed me. The parenting union, failed me.