Harassment Fatigue

June 13, 2020

Be a Good Human

I am writing this blog to appeal anyone who is associated with my estranged husband to please stay out of my business.  Please recuse yourself from the conversation or situation. You become part of the problem when you get in my business. It also doesn’t lend to true repentance and him receiving the help he needs to identify past trauma or childhood issues that have resulted in poor coping skills. Please stop peddling in my personal life.

Same Pattern.

In the 90s, he was able to find out my whereabouts, activities, and personal life through FAKE friends and his “soldiers.” Fast foward, its 2020, and he’s still doing the same thing. Its upsetting to me, the same scenerios are being repeated as during my high school years. I am being exposed to the same TRAUMA. Please stop, I am tired. Its unfortunate that I have to continue to defend my decisions and that he receives so much empathy. You hear 1 side, his version.

You are enabling him to continue harrassing me, and contributing to years of oppression when you do the following:

• Lurk on mine or my friends’ social media and report back  my whereabout & activities.
• Call me to quote scripture and/or convince me I’m making a bad decision. Just because you’ve tolerated similar behavior, doesn’t mean I need to do the same. Everybody has their own threshold. If you haven’t been in my life, please dont’ start calling me now.
• Call and tell me, “he loves you.’ How do you know? Please go back to the bible and read about love. Love is patient, kind, PROTECTS, not SELF-SEEKING, not easily ANGRY, does not DISHONOR others,  does not DELIGHT in EVIl.
• Tell my children, “he loves me and to talk some sense into your mother.” Encourage my children to ignore me and to take a side. They don’t need to take sides. Keep them out of it.
• Let his behavior influence your relationship with me. Seriously, if you do,  its probably for the best anyway. You lose friendships, people take sides. I get it. I’ve lost a couple, but that’s because it was ingenuine from the start. God bless!
• When he asks you to call my friends, please don’t get involved. There is just a whole lot of deceit and manipulation going on.  Its really not your business what I do or who I talk to, nor his business.  He doesn’t own me, I’ve been bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus.

The Bible is Based on Choice.

I have choices. God does not go against anyone’s will. Just because I have faith in Christ, doesn’t mean anyone can tell me what decision to make concerning my life. You haven’t lived my life, nor walked in my shoes.

I need healing and was unable to truly begin my healing process because I continued to live in it, albeit in a different way, but it persisted and I did the best I could under the circumstances. I’ve been unhappy for a few years now, but tried to be the “obedient Christian wife,” while denying and stuffing my own feelings, losing my identity, and ignoring my needs. I tried. I was transparent. I sought help. Nothing was a surprise or shock to him. There was plenty of warnings. I shared my feelings with him over the course of years. I tried to explain how the trauma from the past was impacting me now.  I learned its not my responsitiblity to help him understand how adverse childhood experiences or traumatic experiences impact’s a person’s inner-most being.

I actually wanted to save my marriage, but submission and love doesn’t change people. I prayed all the time and asked God to give him empathy, a wake up call, or raise up someone random to warn him. I’ve also learned, when someone is truly repentful for their actions, its demonstated in their behavior. I was dealing with the same demon, just different manifestation. He had the power to be the vessel for healing, yet he did not or was incapable. I still wonder about this part.

Three huge markers of toxic people

• Controlling behavior is toxic. Our highest calling is to be God’s servant.  Controlling behavior is like asking for an allegiance to be God when you try to control people and tell them what they can and cannot do.
• Murderous spirit. God is the author of life. Jesus is the way, truth, and life. Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Did he destory me? Almost.  He destoryed my joy. He destroyed my peace. He destoyed my self-confidence. He destroyed my self-worth. He destroyed my ability to trust others.  Its evil to destroy a person’s joy. The Word of God says, the joy of the Lord is my strength! When you destroy a person’s joy, its evil!! Its evil because its their strength. It was difficult to love others when I was being destroyed. Always hearing that I’m a pagan, jezebel (because I had a hard time submitting  and not believing in the same way), I’m mean, I don’t listen, I’m difficult, etc…it was far from building me up or encouraging me. Those words hurt.
• Love to hate.  Anger, rage, malice. slander, filthy language and lying are symptoms of a toxic person. Resorting to violent communication and intimidating others shouldn’t be the go to. Being engergized and consumed with violent and wicked thougths is far from love.

1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I am sorry that my decisions have hurt my children the most. I’m also sorry I wasn’t aware of how trauma bonding/love works and for going back. That decision was made from not having a full understanding, nor healing from all that I experienceded from the age of 15 and onwards. I never had a chance to heal or learn or just feel. I am now just beginning to feel and the pain is real. I have 25 plus years of pain I’m dealing with right now.  I admit, I haven’t coped in the healthiest way, but I’m working on it. I haven’t been perfect in my walk, far from it. My faith also made my past and future decisions very complex and difficult because of what I’ve been taught about the bible. As I read scripture more intently through a holistic view, I am finding that God abors all appearances of evil and that he is loving, forgiving, and merciful.

Romans 3:23 – For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Healthy Christians are filled with gentleness, patience, kindess, and love and they build  each other up. Because of the trauma, my patience and tolerance is very low and my reactions are high. I am working on myself to be a healthy person for my children and grand-daughter.  I am a work in progress and God isn’t finished with me yet.

• I am guilty of changing my own behavior to appease others.
• I’ve made excuses or covered up his behavior.
• Minimized the situation and did not require accountability. I did try, but it didn’t work. I had to remove myself from the situation.
• I blamed myself for his behavior.

I have intentionally refrained from sharing the intimate and most personal details of my life out of respect for him. Its never my intent to bring shame, humiliation, or embarrassment to anyone. He’s the father of my children and I would never intentionally cause hurt. I also don’t question his love and relationship with Christ, nor, his walk with God. We all have strongholds and must surrender, before we can live eternally with Christ. Unfortunatly, we suffer due the sinful nature of mankind and from the choices we make.  Thankfully, God is near the broken-hearted, he restores, and forgives.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage. However, there is a difference when a person is being sanctified thorugh a difficult marriage.  This was not the case. I do believe God can heal every marriage, but its healed thorugh honesty and repentance with two willing participants. If someone is unwilling to repent (turn to God and change their behavior), then it will not work. The truth sets us free and God uses restoration through REPENTANCE. Humility leads to repentance. Both, individuals must be humble and honest. Evil can and does infiltrate the institiution of marriage, and all institutions for that matter. I certainly infiltrated mine. Husbands should never be harsh with their wives (don’t abuse your authority). Yes, God honors authority, but to abuse your authority has severe consequnces, and as a result, I departed. And I do believe God does has provisions for me. Divorce is not an inpardonable sin.  If you believe this, that’s fine, but I know who my FATHER is and ultimately this decision is between God and me.

I am responsible fo my part, enabling this behavior to persist which is not honoring to God.  I will no longer feel guilty for my decision. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made and yes, it does hurt. It hurts more than most people know. Just because I continue to move on, doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t ache or grieve for the changes I wished and prayed would happen.

•  Luke 18 vs 29. Sometimes, you have to leave to pursue the Kingdom of God. For me, I cannot allow one’s thoughts, actions, and opinons of me impact my relationship with God. I am reteaching, deprograming, and learning who God is for me and to me, not through someone else’s lens. My marriage impacted my relationship with Christ. He was a stumbling block in my faith.  I almost gave up my faith because of the opposition.  It was very difficult to reconcile how someone who LOVED Jesus, prayed constantly, read his word, led others to Christ, and ministered to other hurting people, could continue to treat me as the enemy.

Until recently, I always spoke good of him. Until, I began sharing my narrative, my story, my life from my raw perspective. Nevertheless, I still see the good in him. I still see his potential, his gift, his calling, and his pain. I made myself look foolish for him. I cutoff relationships/friendships for him. I remained silent for him. I carried shame for him. I chose mercy for him.

Today, I’m unapologetic about the choices I make. I understand I am legally married, but the relationship is dead and I have carried on while waiting for legal proceedings to run its course.  I realize divorce is not the popular choice with the church and with my fellow sisters and brothers and family.  However, I will no longer sacrifice my own peace or joy for someone else’s happiness and for those who have no regard for my well-being. I’ve suffered in silence long enough. Its unfortunate that people can be more bothered and upset about a relationship ending, instead of their behavior for the harm caused to another individual. 

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:27-28).

In His Grip,

Chana